What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:12
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Why do I get spun and then want big fat cocks to suck?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I don,t even have a pension.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But, we were locked up after school.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We all went to grammer schools
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
She found it foreign!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Who then, do I blame.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was scared of men, in general
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot live in the past .
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was seconnd youngest,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My life is so biszare .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Would this be the day?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I couldn’t, believe it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So whats the point in blame.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I write beautiful poetry .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
When she asked me how she looked .
Comes on , in middle age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It was going to be , some day.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I have no regrets .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Put me off passion for life!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im still living with it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She wouldn,t have been !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My family never makes their pension either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I will be 64.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She loved him until the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..